by Frank Martinet
I'm not sure what it says about me, but I've always been good at playing dumb. I've found that it helps in business, though, as people tend to underestimate me and I get info I wouldn't otherwise obtain.
A perfect example is my recent adventure in buying a beach house. I had to work with a new realtor since it was outside of my regular agent's jurisdiction. I'd chosen Heidi Abrams, one of the top agents in the area. I didn't know her, but she sounded professional on the phone and she had a decent reputation.
If beauty had been the only criteria, Heidi would have been a shoe-in. She was gorgeous, but in an accessible way that made her seem easy to work with.
She was young, maybe 30, about five-six, so slim she seemed petite, with shoulder-length brown hair. Her face was narrow, but open and pleasant, with such regular features she could have been a model. I loved her figure, which, while slender, accented her small breasts and a surprisingly full backside. She wore a navy pantsuit that clung attractively to her hips and butt.
I saw a lot of that ass as she took me on a tour of several homes, me following her around as she rattled off statistics and the history of each house. I especially liked it when we went up stairs, those hips of hers wagging like an eager dog's tail. Her cheeks were pert, firm, with a sexy shape that made me want to buy a house from her.
That was clearly part of Heidi's sales technique, I decided. She knew what she looked like and made sure I got a front row view.
I wondered if I should have brought my wife with me. I'd twice mentioned I was married with kids, but Heidi still grinned at me like a teenager in love, batted her eyes, and touched me on the hand or arm or shoulder whenever she got the chance.
While her flirting was flattering, it made me uncomfortable. My instincts told me there was something false about this woman, despite the approval of my penis. I decided to sit back and give her some rope to see if she'd hang herself. I didn't have to wait long.
The third house we went to was double the budget I'd set. I've bought real estate in my day so I recognized this as a common technique to test my spending ability. When I didn't act shocked or concerned at the price, Heidi was delighted and started pushing the home's features hard. Naturally, her commission would be twice as much and she was eager for the sale.
It was a nice place and I could easily afford it, but it was too much house for a vacation home. I didn't let on, however, feigning interest, curious how far Heidi would go. When she offered to show me another place with an "even more fantastic view" just a few streets away, I said sure, and I followed her there.
This home was twice as expensive as the pricey one, Heidi wondering how far she could push my budget. The views were spectacular, but it was up on a hill, further from the actual beach. Heidi eagerly showed me all the high-end features, like the private Jacuzzi and enclosed garden. The master was killer, with huge picture windows and a walk-in closet the size of a bedroom.
Though there was plenty of space, she pressed up against me, her hand on my arm. "Your wife would love this, wouldn't she?" she purred, waving at all the custom shelving and built-in vanity.
"It's very nice," I said, not showing much emotion. My indecisiveness made her try harder.
"This is just on the market and it'll go fast. It's priced to sell. I bet it'll get multiple offers and go above asking."
That was surprising news, since part of my motivation for buying a beach house now was that the market was in a huge slump and homes were selling for 10% less than the previous year. It was a buyer's market, with lots of inventory, and $2.6M for this place, nice as it was, was very high. It was worth $2M, and if I was putting in an offer, I'd start at $1.8M, maybe even lower.
Pretending ignorance, I asked Heidi about the general market. "I thought I'd heard that things were slow and it's a good time to buy."
"Only at the low-end," she said with utter confidence and authority. "Luxury properties are scarce and beauties like this aren't on the market for more than a few days."
"Hmmm," I said, and then I pretended my phone had buzzed and I needed to attend to it. She stepped aside, pulling out her own phone as though she was a busy person, too. I opened up my real estate app, found the house I was in, and saw it had been on the market for 44 days. So much for quick, above-asking sales.
There were lots of available houses in the area, too, even when I constrained the search to show me $1M+ models. With the recent downturn in the economy, many were trying to sell their beachfront property.
This bitch is a liar, I thought. She's sure pretty, though. As charming as a snake.
I found Heidi in the foyer, talking loudly on her cell phone. There was a bit of an echo due to the tall ceilings, making it a strange place for a conversation. She was enunciating, too, and I got the impression I was supposed to hear her call.
With her back to me she said, "4141 Laurel? That's where I am right now, showing it to a client!" After a beat she said, "You're really that interested? You want to put in an offer? That's great! But this guy is also into this place, I can tell. He'll put in an offer above asking, I'm sure."
Another pause. "Okay, we'll talk later. I need to finish here-" Heidi turned around, saw me, grinned and waved, and then covered her mouth and whispered loudly, "I've got to go. My client's back." She hung up. "Sorry about that," she said. "Business is crazy right now."
"Uh huh."
I didn't show much emotion, but I'd noticed her phone's screen. It'd hadn't been in phone mode, showing a grid of apps instead of the distinctive red hang-up button. It could be she'd left that screen to look up something in an email or on the web, but it struck me as odd. It was exactly what would happen if someone, say, only pretended to be on a call.
"So, are you going to put in an offer?"
I shrugged. "On this place? I don't know. The vibe is a little off."
Heidi's face fell for second, but she masked it well, beaming at me as though I'd said something good.
"That was another client on the phone. He's also very interested in this place, too, so if you don't jump...."
"How much time do I have?"
"Oh, not much. I'd put in an offer today."
"Above asking?"
"Definitely."
"How much did you say this was?"
"They're asking $2.6M, but I'd offer at least $2.7 to be sure you get it. Maybe even more."
"What's your other client going to offer?"
Heidi frowned. "That's confidential," she said in a low voice. "But off the record...."
"Yes?"
She looked around like we were being spied upon. "I bet he'll offer $2.7M."
"Really?"
"Yes, his budget is three million, so this place is cheap for him."
I pretended to consider this, rubbing my chin. "I really didn't want to go over $750K, but the views here are spectacular."
Heidi gushed about the property, while my mind wandered, ignoring her babble. I was good at that, too, inserting the occasional "uh huh" or "hmmm" so she'd think I was paying attention.
In reality I was thinking that what she was doing was highly unethical. The state real estate board would be fascinated by the games she was playing. The only problem was I had no proof.
I took out my phone, glancing at it as though I'd gotten a text. Heidi paused in her spiel so I could read it. Instead I started an audio recording app. I then switched back to my home screen so she couldn't see I was recording.
"The wife," I said. "She's asking how things are going."
"Oh, wonderful! Tell her you're going to make an offer. Send her some pictures of the view. She'll just die!"
"Can you send me the address?" I said. "I want her to see the location. It might be a bit too far from the beach."
"Of course," Heidi said. In seconds her phone was unlocked and she was texting me the address.
I moved closer, so we were side by side, and I pretended to be looking at what she was typing. "Is that Laurel Road or Street?" I said, poking at her phone.
It was a bit rude of me, but Heidi wasn't going to complain about a client who was about to make an offer on a $3M property. She leaned back so I could see her phone better.
By touching the address, it brought up her mapping app, showing our location. I reverse pinched to zoom in, pretending to be interested in the distance to the ocean. Heidi gave me latitude and let me have full access to her phone. I picked it up.
After fiddling with the map for a minute, I acted like I was serious about making an offer.
"So you said the other buyer will do $3M? Maybe I should offer above that? Like $3.1?" I said as though I was a total dope who knew nothing about the housing market.
Heidi was so greedy she nodded excitedly, paying no attention at all to what I was doing on her phone.
"Oh yes, that's a great idea!" she said. "After all, you don't want to get in a bidding war. That could really jack up the price of this place."
I tilted her phone and studied it as though still exploring the map, but I was really hiding her screen so she couldn't see me switching to her phone app. There I went to her recent calls list. As I'd suspected, her most recent call of any kind was more than 40 minutes earlier. The call to the other 'buyer' was as phony as Heidi's smile.
Before she knew what I was doing, took a screenshot of the call log and switched back to the text screen. Then I texted myself the picture. I went back to the map and casually put the phone down on the entryway sideboard.
"How serious is this other buyer?" I asked. "What's his name?"
"Oh, I can't tell you that," she said. "But he's serious. Off the record, he's very wealthy. He's bought several properties from me over the last few years. He pays cash and closes in 15 days, so my sellers love him. If you can beat his terms, you'll have a great shot at getting this place before him."
"So I should do all-cash in 10 days?"
"That would be awesome, yes. Can you do that?"
I couldn't, not that much that quickly, at least not without it costing me a bit for shuffling assets around. I had a rainy day cash fund of a million I'd planned to use for the house, but this was $3.1M.
"Sure," I lied, grinning like an idiot, and Heidi grinned back, already spending her sizable commission. This was no doubt her easiest sale ever.
"Sweet! Let's draw up an offer. You were comfortable with $3.1M? I could do a verbal with the seller's agent right now, save us some time."
Heidi picked up her phone. I stopped her.
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