by John Benson
At 14 almost everyone looks old, and to Robyn the church was full of geezers. The minister prattled on about God's infinite mercy and the Resurrection of the Dead. Her parents hadn't been religious, but when you're dead you don't get to decide what kind of funeral to have. Aunt Ida had seen to that. Ida who had a picture of Jesus on her end table, and another one on the wall in case you didn't notice.
The congregation rose and sang. Robyn rose but didn't sing. To her there was only one bright spot amidst the sea of blue-hairs. Aunt Jen, her father's younger sister. Only 24, a grownup but still mostly human. Bright, accomplished, and very, very pretty. Everything Robyn might some day aspire to, if she buckled down and applied herself, and survived the pitfalls of adolescence.
The minister bleated a banal blessing, and it was over, except the whole thing would be repeated at the grave site next. People started leaving.
"Hey Robyn. Can I give you a ride to the cemetery, or do you really want to ride in the hearse?"
It was Aunt Jen. Robyn's numbness began to lift a little. A breath of fresh air. "With you, Aunt Jen. That is just so nice."
A beautiful warm bright fall day mocked her, no respecter of human misery. Robyn's parents had preferred fast cars and died in one. Aunt Jen owned a Saturn. Cute, and practical. It fit her sort of, and felt just right. They pulled out carefully and got in line right behind the hearse.
"Mom and Dad were working their way up to a divorce," Robyn said. "So in a way I started to grieve for my old life even before the crash. I was supposed to go with them, you know. And at the last minute I didn't."
"It's normal to feel guilt for living," Aunt Jen said. "But it's also dumb. We just had a meeting, to help figure out your future."
Dull resentment. "You had a meeting about me and I wasn't invited?" Robyn said.
Everyone had their headlights on. They went right through red lights, at a stately 20 miles an hour. "You get the last word, hon," Aunt Jen said. "You have two offers. There's Ida, and there's me."
"You got room for me?" Robyn said.
"A guest room that only got used twice in the last two years. There's a twin bed, a desk, a book case, a dresser, and a big closet. It's pretty generic and you'll have to personalize it some. Right now it's sort of like a motel room. Except a motel room without maid service. You clean up after yourself."
"Cool," Robyn said. "What about money. Would I drag you down too much?"
"There's a trust from the estate," Jen said. "But I'd try not to hit it very much. Leave as much for your college as I can."
"Then it's you," Robyn said. "No contest."
"But Ida has had kids, and I haven't. I'd kind of be like groping around in the dark until I got the hang of it."
"But I don't like Ida and I like you," Robyn said. "And I know all about fumbling around in the dark. Pretty soon you find the light switch, and then everything's okay."
Jen held out her hand. She was smiling. God she was so pretty. "Then let's give it a try," she said. "And from now on I'm just 'Jen'. That 'aunt' stuff makes me feel old."
Robyn shook her hand. What she really wanted to do was hug her. But she couldn't, at least now. She was driving.
Changing schools was never fun, but it could be worse. Franklin was within walking distance of Jen's apartment, and school had only been in session a couple of weeks, so academically there was no big deal. Robyn had always been the girl everyone had liked but no one was best friends with. There were certainly no boy friends. Robyn's old school had been in a mixed-income neighborhood. This seemed a bit more homogeneous. She supposed that was a good thing. A boy walked up to her. Big, blonde, good looking.
"Hey, lady, want to mess around?" he said.
Robyn stared him down. "Is your whole family rude, or is it just you?" she said. The lout slunk off. A small bouncy girl let out a whoop.
"Hi, I'm Cissy," she said. "And that was Swen. Pretty nice guy, actually." She held out her hand.
"Hi. Robyn, with a 'y', so it's not like Batman's side-kick." She shook Cissy's hand. "I'm new, like you didn't know that."
"Come to the game Friday night," Cissy said. "There's a dance afterwards, and I'll introduce you around."
"The game?"
"You know, like football?"
"Oh. Sure. Hey, thanks." So cool. Cissy was obviously a leader type. Robyn was grateful for a chance to meet people. Cissy waved brightly and bounced off. A cheerleader. Had to be a cheerleader. They all bounced like that. It was in the genes or something.
Robyn got home from school about an hour before Jen got home from work. She bopped into the cozy little apartment, still feeling funny there was no one there to greet her. Ghosts. It would someday pass. There was a note on the counter and a cookbook open to the right page. All very organized. A Betty Crocker, well within her skill. She set to work willingly, glad to help. Stuffed green peppers. Kinda nice.
But once they were in the oven she was at loose ends. Decided to go exploring. She snuck into Jen's room. It felt naughty. A violation of trust. But no one need know if she was careful. Ooh, look at that closet, so full of nice stuff. Lots of tailored crap that shouted 'work,' of course, but everything else from casual to elegant to wickedly sexy. Her aunt was unmarried, but that didn't mean she was a nun. Robyn imagined Jen dressed up fit to kill. Flirting with some guy. Maybe taking him home to that big double bed over there. Ooh. The timer dinged from the kitchen. Time to check the oven. Robyn bolted out of Jen's room. Look at the time. She could have been caught snooping. That would not have been cool.
Jen came in just as Robyn was checking the oven. Whew. "Not quite done," Robyn said. "I would have made a salad but I didn't know where the stuff is."
Jen grinned. "We working girls have our tricks," she said. "I buy salad pre-chopped in a baggie. Just add dressing. It's nice to come home to dinner made. This is kinda neat."
Robyn felt guilty for snooping. "I'm not very nice sometimes," she said. "Or at least I wasn't very nice to my parents this last year."
"Why not?" Jen said. She put salad in a bowl. The peppers were ready now. Robyn used a hot pad.
"Maybe that's because they were busy working themselves up to a divorce," she said. "So I acted bad to avoid being ignored. I'm afraid I might do it to you, just out of habit. I want you to promise me something, Jen."
"What, hon?" Jen poured one milk, one Coke. Dinner was ready.
"Promise you'll spank me when I'm naughty." The words were out of Robyn's mouth and she was stunned how much she meant them. Being controlled by this wonderful accomplished woman felt just so perfect. She yearned for it, as a mystic yearns for enlightenment, or a lover yearns for his beloved.
"Your parents do it, hon?"
"No. But they should of. I was a shit."
"Sit down," Jen said. "Eat. I can't do that for you, Robyn. Social Services might drop in a time to two to check on us, and one little hint of that and they'd split us up so fast it would make your head spin."
"I swear to God," Robyn said. "I'd never tell."
"I'll keep it in mind, hon."
"No. Don't blow me off. Promise. Please?"
Things got quiet except of the sounds of forks on ceramic plates. "I think you have a crush on me," Jen said. "And I think it makes my job a little harder."
"Please, please, please?"
"Let's talk about something else. How was your first full day at the new school?"
"It's hard to be new when everybody else already fits in," Robyn said. "And where I came from drugs and sex and shit was mostly what the kids from the trailer park did. Here, everyone's upscale, but everybody's doing it. Or at least it seems."
"Then you just have to be strong, hon."
"I'm not strong," Robyn said. "But you know how to help."
It just hung there, unanswered. "Pass the salad?" Jen said.
Robyn passed the salad, and treated her aunt to one of her patent over-acted, eye rolling sighs.
Robyn ate quickly, she always had. Jen sipped her Coke and cleared her throat. "I really wish you'd clean your room," she said.
Nuts to that. "There's a football game tonight and a dance after," Robyn said. "I met a nice girl who's going to show me around. Unless you mind or something."
"Mind? No, why would I mind?"
"Hey, cool. What time should I be home?"
"Use your own judgment," Jen said. "Try not to be so late that the next day is shot."
Robyn didn't want to use her own judgment, because she didn't really trust it. It would be lots better if Jen would just take charge, and tell her what to do. "Oh," she said. "Okay."
"And what about your room?"
"Pass the salad?" Robyn said.
Jen gave her a look of less than perfect harmony and bliss. But she passed the salad and said no more.
"It's where we always go after the game and before they've got the dance set up," Cissy said. She'd changed out of her cheerleader costume right after the game, but she still bounced. She led Robyn off school grounds, toward a little wood a couple of blocks away.
There was something a little sneaky about this, a little naughty. "Why so far?" Robyn said.
"Privacy," said Cissy. "On school property you can't get away with shit."
Robyn knew this was less than completely cool, but she let herself be led. Underbrush was thick only at the periphery, and then things were fairly open under the trees. Light filtered in from nearby street lamps, so it was not completely black. Little red dots were what she thought they were. The sign of people smoking. The sickly sweet smell of Marijuana whafted by.
Cissy lit a Winston, and handed it to Robyn. "For you," she said.
Robyn didn't want it but she took it. Cissy lit another for herself. Not far away a girl was dry-humping a boy's leg, as if she were a dog in heat. Robyn took a drag on the Winston. Her head reeled. "Is this a good idea?" she said.
"If you want to fit in," Cissy said. "Relax. I'll give you a Tic Tac so your folks won't smell it on your breath."
Robyn took another drag. She wanted to fit in. But was this the way to do it? Someone passed Cissy a joint. She took a hit and held it out to Robyn. She shook her head and shrank back.
"Hey, little girl. Want to mess around?"
It was Swen, towering over her, invading her personal space. No one seemed to find his behavior the least untoward. Robyn felt trapped. Looked at the smoldering thing in her hand. Forced herself to drop it and step on it. "Sorry," she said. "I just realized I got to go pee. Guys have it easier. You can go water a tree. I think I want a real can."
"Come back quick," Cissy said.
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